Remorse
by ApollaCammi
Summary: I have a secret. A few actually, each more damning than the last.


Remorse

_I didn't mean for this to happen._ As soon as the thought forms, I realize how inadequate it is. All I wanted to do was protect them. I was so cocksure – it was the perfect plan, no one would suspect it. Instead I played right into his hands. He played the part so well – who knows how long he'd been working for Moldy Voldy? Fear of a name only increases the fear of the thing itself, but with a nickname like that, who would be afraid? He sounds like a spoiled child who hasn't gotten what he wanted.

They called me a blood traitor. Being sorted into Gryffindor, not agreeing with Voldemort's views, befriending James Potter… the list goes on and on.

Now they're saying it was just a cover up. That I coerced the Hat into placing me there, purposefully became James' friend, was abandoned by my family. Some might think that plan is a little complicated for an eleven-year-old boy, but the proof is right in front of them.

And they're right. I'm guilty of all those things. But not for the reasons they believe. I was escaping.

I asked the Hat to put me somewhere my family wasn't. It was just luck it saw something that moved it to put me in Gryffindor. I could just as easily have ended up in Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff, but… James was my friend because he was guaranteed to hack my parents off, and because we had the same interests in common. Getting blasted off the tapestry was an unexpected windfall, and yet I was still the beneficiary of the Black fortune since I was the oldest son. The only one now. My parents were sticklers for tradition, and you could hear the screams for miles when the family found out I was getting "their" money. I admit, my plan wasn't perfect, but I _was_ only eleven when I came up with it. Actually, the idea came to me when I first met James. I was seven. I'd been planning for ages before I even set foot in Hogwarts, and you would have been too with relatives like Bellatrix and Narcissa. Barmy, the lot of them.

Now I'm sitting in a holding cell, waiting. Dumbledore, god bless him, is calling for a trial. Doubt he'll get it, but it's more than anyone else has done for the man who "killed" the Potters. It's nice of him to try, but he shouldn't waste his breath. Their minds have already been made up.

I have a secret. A few actually, each more damning than the last. Except this one. I wasn't the Secret Keeper. Peter was. And that's the truth.

He must have been bloody persuasive. Dumbledore got me a trial. The room is full, and there are triple guards and a few Dementors. Remus is here, and the Longbottoms… oh Merlin, is that Bellatrix? Here to see me get thrown in Azkaban, I wager. Remus isn't looking at me. He's been betrayed. I never told him Peter was Secret Keeper, just handed him the paper that read _Godric's Hollow_ and he assumed it was from me. All the better to divert the attention from the other three, and I was still playing right into their hands. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick.

Bella's grinning, because she _knows_ it was my fault. I may not have held the wand to their heads, but I killed them. Bloody Death Eaters.

I'm shackled to a chair and fed Veritaserum. It starts to affect me immediately, and I feel heavy, and tired.

"What is your name?" the interrogator asks.

"Sirius Black." My voice is slow and drugged sounding.

"When were you born?" Standard questions. I've seen them used before. We need to have some way to make sure the Veritaserum is working.

"September 16th, 1966."

"Did you attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?"

"Yes."

"When did you graduate?"

"1984."

"What were you doing the night of October 31st, 1989?"

"I went to visit Lily and James."

"Were you the Potters' Secret Keeper?"

"No. Peter Pettigrew was. He's a spy for Voldemort." My mouth is running, and I don't notice the silence in the room. "I got to the house and the door was open. I walked in and… oh god, James was lying on the living room floor. He wasn't moving. I ran upstairs to find Lily. She was in Harry's room." I was there, reliving it all over again. "She was so, so pale but Harry was fine, warm and breathing and _alive_, and I took him. I just knew I had to get away, keep Harry safe. So I did, and then I went after the rat that betrayed them." I trail off and tears run down my face, ones I didn't even know existed.

Whispers break out in the room, excited, horrified, shocked. I look up through the hair in front of my face. Bella has gone, thank Merlin, and Remus is staring at me. Please believe me, I wouldn't lie, not about this, you know that Remus.

There is more talking, testimony against me and only Dumbledore speaking for me. That hurts, but the Veritaserum has worn off and left weariness behind. I try to focus,

When I am allowed up and returned my wand, I am beyond shocked. I've lost track again. Godric, Rowena, Helga and Salazar, I will never do enough to repay Dumbledore. I have the strong urge to thank him, but while doing so accidentally add professor. He chuckles, the first happy sound I've heard in a long time.

"Go to Harry." He tells me, and Remus joins us. He smiles, just a crinkle around his eyes, where the lines have gotten deeper. It's not a lot, but it tells me we'll be all right. I can rest easy in the knowledge that Peter Pettigrew shall never be sheltered in the wizarding world, and my godson will be safe from his corruption.


End file.
